1
00:00:03,736 --> 00:00:07,806
[♪]
2
00:01:10,502 --> 00:01:11,602
[door slams]
3
00:01:33,726 --> 00:01:35,126
Kids!
4
00:01:35,127 --> 00:01:37,261
Let's prove to your mom
once and for all
5
00:01:37,262 --> 00:01:39,497
That you don't need food
to eat good!
6
00:01:39,498 --> 00:01:42,266
And what'd you find
for the bundy snack tray?
7
00:01:42,267 --> 00:01:44,435
Three mandms, a crouton,
8
00:01:44,436 --> 00:01:45,837
And this.
9
00:01:47,372 --> 00:01:50,842
I found it in the cuff
of my pants.
10
00:01:50,843 --> 00:01:54,245
Well, cut the tail off
and throw it in the pot.
11
00:01:54,246 --> 00:01:56,681
Kelly, how were the pickings
in the basement?
12
00:01:56,682 --> 00:01:58,917
Um, I got a half-eaten
piece of cheese
13
00:01:58,918 --> 00:02:00,651
From the mousetrap.
14
00:02:00,652 --> 00:02:03,454
Too bad we couldn't
get the mouse.
15
00:02:03,455 --> 00:02:04,589
Anything else?
16
00:02:04,590 --> 00:02:06,424
Oh, yeah. I got
a half a dozen
17
00:02:06,425 --> 00:02:07,425
Of these large raisins
18
00:02:07,426 --> 00:02:10,428
That were scattered
by the trap.
19
00:02:14,734 --> 00:02:18,536
Well, let's save these babies
for christmas.
20
00:02:18,537 --> 00:02:20,638
We'll put them
in grandma's fruitcake.
21
00:02:22,108 --> 00:02:24,242
Now, we'll combine
the rest of this stuff
22
00:02:24,243 --> 00:02:26,510
With the froot loops
that I fought the dog over,
23
00:02:26,511 --> 00:02:27,678
And we'll have ourselves
24
00:02:27,679 --> 00:02:29,981
Some nice little
yummy bundy trail mix.
25
00:02:32,017 --> 00:02:33,184
Well, I don't know, dad.
26
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:34,953
I like the way mom
makes the stuff.
27
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,520
Well, so do I, bud,
but...
28
00:02:36,521 --> 00:02:39,323
We're out of cough syrup.
29
00:02:39,324 --> 00:02:40,759
All right, let's go,
everybody sit down.
30
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:42,894
Your mom should be home
any minute with the tapes,
31
00:02:42,895 --> 00:02:44,495
And then, it's
"bundy night at the movies."
32
00:02:44,496 --> 00:02:45,830
After that,
33
00:02:45,831 --> 00:02:48,432
It's "bundy night
in the bathroom."
34
00:02:50,569 --> 00:02:52,971
We never get to rent
any good movies.
35
00:02:52,972 --> 00:02:54,272
You know why?
36
00:02:54,273 --> 00:02:57,441
Because we are the last family
on earth with beta.
37
00:02:59,912 --> 00:03:01,179
Yeah, dad.
38
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:03,547
Why can't we get
a vhs machine?
39
00:03:03,548 --> 00:03:05,683
I mean, we're missing
a lot of good movies.
40
00:03:05,684 --> 00:03:07,551
I heard they made
a second godfather.
41
00:03:07,552 --> 00:03:08,552
Hey,
42
00:03:08,553 --> 00:03:10,321
If it was any good,
43
00:03:10,322 --> 00:03:12,824
It would have been
on beta.
44
00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:13,992
Come on, kids.
45
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,359
We're gonna watch
a movie,
46
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,961
We've got munchies,
and we've got each other.
47
00:03:16,962 --> 00:03:18,196
What more
could we ask for?
48
00:03:18,197 --> 00:03:20,564
Hope.
49
00:03:20,565 --> 00:03:22,033
Food.
Pride.
50
00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:23,334
Heat.
An alias.
51
00:03:23,335 --> 00:03:24,402
Underwear.
52
00:03:25,737 --> 00:03:29,507
Yeah. An annulment.
53
00:03:29,508 --> 00:03:31,375
All right, so our life stinks.
54
00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:32,977
At least we're going
to have movies.
55
00:03:32,978 --> 00:03:34,378
I sent your mother
56
00:03:34,379 --> 00:03:37,581
To bob's betas and bell
bottoms in milwaukee.
57
00:03:37,582 --> 00:03:40,418
How come mom can cross
state lines, and I can't?
58
00:03:40,419 --> 00:03:42,120
Because your mom didn't go
59
00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:44,222
In a van with a bumper
sticker that read,
60
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:47,491
"don't come a-knockin' if you
see this van a-rockin'."
61
00:03:50,429 --> 00:03:52,230
That could be taken
a lot of different ways.
62
00:03:52,231 --> 00:03:53,231
Mm-hmm.
63
00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:54,732
And so can you.
64
00:03:59,438 --> 00:04:01,405
Al: Well,
it's about time.
65
00:04:01,406 --> 00:04:02,573
What do we have,
66
00:04:02,574 --> 00:04:04,108
The predator,
the terminator?
67
00:04:04,109 --> 00:04:08,012
Oh, heavenly dog!?
68
00:04:08,013 --> 00:04:09,580
Peg, I wanted schwarzenegger.
69
00:04:09,581 --> 00:04:11,015
So did I,
70
00:04:11,016 --> 00:04:13,584
But I got you,
and you got beta.
71
00:04:16,021 --> 00:04:18,289
Al, I am really upset
with your wife.
72
00:04:18,290 --> 00:04:19,390
Kill her.
73
00:04:23,262 --> 00:04:26,530
Anyhow, I'm getting off I-94,
74
00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:27,698
Listening to toscanini
75
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:29,067
Blend precisely with the sound
76
00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:32,703
Of my fine
german automotive machinery,
77
00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:36,574
When a reckless driver
cut me off.
78
00:04:36,575 --> 00:04:38,943
Well, live and let live, I say,
79
00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:41,412
But when I pull up next to him
at the light,
80
00:04:41,413 --> 00:04:44,582
Your wife leans over
and gives him the finger.
81
00:04:44,583 --> 00:04:45,816
[cheering]
82
00:04:45,817 --> 00:04:47,451
All right, mom,
way to go!
83
00:04:47,452 --> 00:04:49,587
I would've done
the same thing.
84
00:04:49,588 --> 00:04:51,789
Uh, excuse me,
85
00:04:51,790 --> 00:04:53,557
But before
the neanderthal jamboree
86
00:04:53,558 --> 00:04:54,893
Really kicks in...
87
00:04:56,595 --> 00:04:57,896
I might mention that the guy
88
00:04:57,897 --> 00:05:00,932
Had a bumper sticker
that said "I heart san quentin."
89
00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:02,901
Did you spit
on the hood?
90
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:04,235
Well, I spit
in that direction,
91
00:05:04,236 --> 00:05:06,104
But steve's
window was up.
92
00:05:08,207 --> 00:05:12,176
Yeah, yeah, enjoy, enjoy,
but I'm the guy he followed.
93
00:05:12,177 --> 00:05:13,444
God, I hope I lost him.
94
00:05:16,848 --> 00:05:18,149
Well, of course I lost him
95
00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:20,618
With those defensive
driving moves I made.
96
00:05:20,619 --> 00:05:22,887
You see, a fine automobile
97
00:05:22,888 --> 00:05:25,423
In the hands of a man
with catlike reflexes--
98
00:05:25,424 --> 00:05:27,158
Hey, there is
a guy stopping here.
99
00:05:27,159 --> 00:05:29,060
Oh, my god,
it could be him!
100
00:05:29,061 --> 00:05:32,530
Look at the size of him.
101
00:05:32,531 --> 00:05:35,599
He looks like acid must've been
thrown in his face.
102
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:37,201
This guy's fresh out
of the asylum!
103
00:05:37,202 --> 00:05:38,202
[car horn honks]
104
00:05:38,203 --> 00:05:40,204
Oh, that's my date.
105
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,808
Bye.
106
00:05:43,809 --> 00:05:45,176
Have a good time, honey.
107
00:05:45,177 --> 00:05:46,311
Thanks.
108
00:05:48,480 --> 00:05:50,581
Hey, here's another car.
109
00:05:50,582 --> 00:05:52,984
He's slowing down.
Now he's coming...
110
00:05:55,387 --> 00:05:56,720
That's him.
111
00:05:56,721 --> 00:05:58,990
There's the "I heart
san quentin" bumper sticker.
112
00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,624
He wrote down
my license plate number.
113
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:01,492
He's pulling away.
114
00:06:05,697 --> 00:06:06,897
Hey, you!
115
00:06:06,898 --> 00:06:08,166
Yeah, you found us.
116
00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:10,301
So, what are you going
to do about it?
117
00:06:10,302 --> 00:06:12,370
Come on, you nose rag.
118
00:06:12,371 --> 00:06:15,139
Anytime.
119
00:06:15,140 --> 00:06:19,643
You know, every now and then,
she makes me so proud.
120
00:06:19,644 --> 00:06:23,181
Gee, mr. Rhoades,
you seem scared.
121
00:06:23,182 --> 00:06:24,415
Oh, I'm not scared,
really.
122
00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:25,549
I mean, you know me,
123
00:06:25,550 --> 00:06:27,218
I'm not a man
who runs from trouble.
124
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:29,354
Trouble troubles me,
I trouble trouble.
125
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:30,355
[doorbell rings]
126
00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:31,222
It's trouble.
127
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:34,325
Steve?
128
00:06:35,627 --> 00:06:37,728
What's going on?
129
00:06:37,729 --> 00:06:39,364
I just got back
from the video store,
130
00:06:39,365 --> 00:06:40,465
And I noticed
131
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:41,966
Your car smelled
like chicken,
132
00:06:41,967 --> 00:06:43,334
But when
I looked closer,
133
00:06:43,335 --> 00:06:46,971
I found six pigeons
roasting on your radiator.
134
00:06:46,972 --> 00:06:50,174
I told you
not to drive through the park.
135
00:06:50,175 --> 00:06:52,877
Oh, now
life means something to you.
136
00:06:52,878 --> 00:06:55,246
Hot pigeons, you say?
137
00:06:58,384 --> 00:06:59,550
Bud?
138
00:06:59,551 --> 00:07:02,353
I'm way ahead of you, dad.
139
00:07:07,159 --> 00:07:10,228
Steve, are you okay?
You look pale.
140
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:12,663
Oh, my god.
You didn't eat here, did you?
141
00:07:12,664 --> 00:07:18,236
No, I couldn't decide
which color wine goes with slop.
142
00:07:18,237 --> 00:07:19,504
Believe me, marcie, I'm fine.
143
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,539
Hey. Tapes.
144
00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:24,708
Look,
the predator, dirty harry,
145
00:07:24,709 --> 00:07:26,110
Judy's huge date?
146
00:07:28,113 --> 00:07:30,381
Those are
private tapes, al.
147
00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:32,283
Well, why can't we get
tapes like these, peg?
148
00:07:32,284 --> 00:07:33,551
They're vhs, al.
149
00:07:33,552 --> 00:07:35,286
Well, of course they're vhs.
150
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:37,755
Only an idiot would own beta.
151
00:07:39,124 --> 00:07:40,291
Or someone
who believes
152
00:07:40,292 --> 00:07:42,060
A woman's orgasm
is brought on
153
00:07:42,061 --> 00:07:45,229
By yelling,
"c'mon, will ya?"
154
00:07:53,238 --> 00:07:55,139
What happened to your date?
155
00:07:55,140 --> 00:07:57,241
He wanted to study,
156
00:07:57,242 --> 00:08:00,744
So I just had to tell him
I am not that kind of girl.
157
00:08:03,248 --> 00:08:05,649
Hey, guys! The colonel's here!
158
00:08:07,919 --> 00:08:09,454
Oh, steve,
let's go home.
159
00:08:09,455 --> 00:08:11,222
If they don't have
a virgin to sacrifice,
160
00:08:11,223 --> 00:08:13,524
They may turn on us.
161
00:08:13,525 --> 00:08:15,159
Uh, listen, marcie.
162
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,727
I've been thinking.
163
00:08:16,728 --> 00:08:18,996
We don't have the bundys
over at our house nearly enough.
164
00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:21,199
That's your rule, steve.
165
00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,572
Remember the speech
that began, quote,
166
00:08:27,573 --> 00:08:28,973
"I'd watch a colorized version
of casablanca
167
00:08:28,974 --> 00:08:30,941
Before I'd let those--"
yeah, I know, I know.
168
00:08:30,942 --> 00:08:34,245
Um... But I just think
it would be a nice gesture
169
00:08:34,246 --> 00:08:36,080
For us to share our vhs format
170
00:08:36,081 --> 00:08:37,881
With our neighbors
and good friends, the bundys.
171
00:08:37,882 --> 00:08:39,350
What do you say, guys?
172
00:08:39,351 --> 00:08:42,353
Well, pigeon is better
the second day.
173
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:43,254
Let's go!
174
00:08:46,225 --> 00:08:47,992
What's this
all about, steve?
175
00:08:47,993 --> 00:08:49,059
Nothing, I just want
176
00:08:49,060 --> 00:08:50,861
To spend an evening or two
with good friends.
177
00:08:50,862 --> 00:08:52,296
Hey, kel,
some guy's going
178
00:08:52,297 --> 00:08:53,897
To beat the tar
out of mr. Rhoades.
179
00:08:53,898 --> 00:08:54,765
Oh, cool.
180
00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:57,568
And then there's that.
181
00:09:01,340 --> 00:09:03,608
[tires screech]
182
00:09:06,077 --> 00:09:07,578
[explosion]
183
00:09:07,579 --> 00:09:10,781
Ah, peg, this is just like
being in a real theater.
184
00:09:10,782 --> 00:09:13,251
Yeah, but here, bud
isn't on the floor
185
00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:15,953
Trying to look up
girls' dresses.
186
00:09:15,954 --> 00:09:16,820
Shh.
187
00:09:18,690 --> 00:09:21,225
You know, marcie,
that jerk just cut me off.
188
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:23,994
Didn't even look,
just cut me off.
189
00:09:23,995 --> 00:09:25,196
You know, if he had just
190
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:26,997
Gotten out of his car
when it had happened,
191
00:09:26,998 --> 00:09:30,201
He and I could have settled it
mano a mano.
192
00:09:30,202 --> 00:09:31,202
You're more of a man
193
00:09:31,203 --> 00:09:32,703
For having
walked away, steve.
194
00:09:32,704 --> 00:09:33,937
Oh, yeah.
195
00:09:33,938 --> 00:09:37,608
Twice the man
of this wimp eastwood here.
196
00:09:37,609 --> 00:09:39,076
[gunshot, grunt]
197
00:09:39,077 --> 00:09:43,847
Well, clint said
he didn't want mayonnaise.
198
00:09:43,848 --> 00:09:46,217
I just can't get that jerk
off my mind.
199
00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:49,620
Oh, I just wish
I had a second chance.
200
00:09:49,621 --> 00:09:51,189
I tell you,
I'd do things
201
00:09:51,190 --> 00:09:53,424
A little differently
in my present state of mind.
202
00:09:53,425 --> 00:09:54,592
Shh.
203
00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:55,593
Sorry.
204
00:09:55,594 --> 00:09:56,860
I know you would, steve,
205
00:09:56,861 --> 00:09:59,330
But you chose
not to unleash your fury,
206
00:09:59,331 --> 00:10:00,631
And I admire you for it.
207
00:10:00,632 --> 00:10:05,636
Uh-oh. They refused
clint's credit card.
208
00:10:05,637 --> 00:10:07,137
[gunshot]
209
00:10:09,408 --> 00:10:13,043
Don't leave home without it.
210
00:10:13,044 --> 00:10:14,278
[telephone rings]
211
00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:15,913
Hey, we're trying
to watch a movie here.
212
00:10:15,914 --> 00:10:17,682
Will somebody get that?
213
00:10:17,683 --> 00:10:19,283
Hello.
214
00:10:19,284 --> 00:10:21,952
Yes. This is
the rhoades residence.
215
00:10:21,953 --> 00:10:23,787
Yes. That's
the correct address.
216
00:10:23,788 --> 00:10:26,156
Steve, it's for you.
217
00:10:29,394 --> 00:10:32,597
[deep voice]
hello.
218
00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:35,399
[normally]
hello.
219
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,568
He hung up.
220
00:10:37,569 --> 00:10:39,036
He knows where I live.
221
00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:41,739
To hell with him.
222
00:10:41,740 --> 00:10:43,608
If he's stupid enough
to come over here,
223
00:10:43,609 --> 00:10:46,644
Then he deserves
what you're going to do to him.
224
00:10:46,645 --> 00:10:49,146
Unleash your fury, steve.
225
00:10:50,215 --> 00:10:52,316
Give him a right, a left!
226
00:10:52,317 --> 00:10:53,417
Break his face!
227
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:54,652
Punch him in the kidney!
228
00:10:54,653 --> 00:10:56,186
Make him puke blood!
229
00:10:58,523 --> 00:10:59,757
Oh, how I love you!
230
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:10,268
Marcie:
Look at him.
231
00:11:10,269 --> 00:11:13,738
He's like a caged tiger.
232
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:17,808
Steve:
If I say I'm gonna
take out the garbage,
233
00:11:17,809 --> 00:11:19,644
I can tunnel out
under the fence,
234
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:20,844
Go to the bus station,
235
00:11:20,845 --> 00:11:22,146
Grab me a handful
of greyhound,
236
00:11:22,147 --> 00:11:25,816
And get hell out of dodge.
237
00:11:25,817 --> 00:11:27,418
See, I told you, al.
238
00:11:27,419 --> 00:11:29,052
If you have one
of these vhs machines,
239
00:11:29,053 --> 00:11:31,155
You can get
any movie you want.
240
00:11:31,156 --> 00:11:32,523
Yeah. It's heaven, peg.
241
00:11:32,524 --> 00:11:37,127
Hand me rip out
their entrails iii.
242
00:11:37,128 --> 00:11:39,963
Yep, we have the best
of both worlds now, peg.
243
00:11:39,964 --> 00:11:41,865
Beta at home, vhs here,
244
00:11:41,866 --> 00:11:45,235
And a refrigerator
with food in it.
245
00:11:45,236 --> 00:11:46,837
Take a look around, peg.
246
00:11:46,838 --> 00:11:48,939
It's like the second home
we always dreamed of.
247
00:11:48,940 --> 00:11:49,940
Oh.
248
00:11:49,941 --> 00:11:51,141
Hey, can I make
249
00:11:51,142 --> 00:11:52,710
A long-distance
phone call?
250
00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:53,577
Sure.
251
00:11:56,848 --> 00:11:58,949
I'm gonna go get us
some more food.
252
00:11:58,950 --> 00:12:00,851
Oh, peg,
don't turn on the tape yet.
253
00:12:00,852 --> 00:12:02,286
I got to go to the can.
254
00:12:02,287 --> 00:12:05,556
Oh, no! There go our pipes.
255
00:12:09,127 --> 00:12:10,394
I'll get the goldfish out
256
00:12:10,395 --> 00:12:12,029
Before it's too late.
257
00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:15,866
Get our toothbrushes too!
258
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,702
Should we really
be worried?
259
00:12:17,703 --> 00:12:20,504
Yes. But I'd leave
the goldfish in there.
260
00:12:20,505 --> 00:12:26,377
It's a good way to test the air
before you attempt re-entry.
261
00:12:26,378 --> 00:12:29,279
We used to use parakeets,
262
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:31,048
But then they learned
how to talk,
263
00:12:31,049 --> 00:12:33,351
And started screaming for help.
264
00:12:38,857 --> 00:12:41,258
Uh...I meant should I be worried
265
00:12:41,259 --> 00:12:43,527
About the man
who's stalking my husband?
266
00:12:43,528 --> 00:12:47,498
Not if you leave
the bathroom door open.
267
00:12:47,499 --> 00:12:49,199
Well, you know,
268
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,901
The man must have
no social conscience
269
00:12:50,902 --> 00:12:52,837
If he cut someone off like that.
270
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:56,106
What is society
coming to?
271
00:12:56,107 --> 00:12:58,376
Are we all barbarians?
272
00:12:58,377 --> 00:13:00,244
I'll tell you,
if I had my way,
273
00:13:00,245 --> 00:13:03,414
I'd have them round up every one
of those inconsiderate savages,
274
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,148
Bury them up to their necks,
275
00:13:05,149 --> 00:13:08,419
And run them over
with a grain reaper.
276
00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,821
You know,
I feel the same way
277
00:13:10,822 --> 00:13:13,657
About that pippi longstocking
girl.
278
00:13:17,662 --> 00:13:20,731
God, I hate her!
279
00:13:20,732 --> 00:13:22,032
[telephone rings]
280
00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:28,238
Hello.
281
00:13:28,239 --> 00:13:30,374
Hello?
282
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:34,678
Okay, mr. Silent thug,
if you won't speak, I will.
283
00:13:34,679 --> 00:13:36,714
We are
a peace-loving people here,
284
00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:38,582
And you are obviously
not college educated.
285
00:13:38,583 --> 00:13:40,217
Now, I want you
286
00:13:40,218 --> 00:13:41,886
To leave my husband alone,
287
00:13:41,887 --> 00:13:44,354
And if you cannot control
your wanton hostility,
288
00:13:44,355 --> 00:13:46,189
I have a list of
some very qualified therapists
289
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:47,190
That I think may--
290
00:13:47,191 --> 00:13:50,628
Let me handle this.
291
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:53,764
Listen, worm food!
292
00:13:53,765 --> 00:13:55,966
You want to take care of this,
come on over.
293
00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:57,435
You've got the address.
294
00:13:57,436 --> 00:13:59,804
You spineless gob of spit!
295
00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:03,206
You gutless, yellow piece of--
296
00:14:03,207 --> 00:14:06,410
He hung up.
297
00:14:06,411 --> 00:14:08,546
How rude.
298
00:14:08,547 --> 00:14:09,980
He must be on his way over.
299
00:14:11,616 --> 00:14:14,518
Well, I got him out in time,
300
00:14:14,519 --> 00:14:17,521
But he won't come out
of his castle.
301
00:14:17,522 --> 00:14:19,022
[humming]
302
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:24,995
Boy, did I work up an appetite.
303
00:14:24,996 --> 00:14:26,764
I could eat a horse,
304
00:14:26,765 --> 00:14:29,633
But since I'm not home,
I won't have to.
305
00:14:33,705 --> 00:14:37,074
Steve, the maniac
called.
306
00:14:37,075 --> 00:14:39,042
Peggy dared him
to come over,
307
00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:40,344
And I'm afraid
you're just gonna
308
00:14:40,345 --> 00:14:42,780
Have to give him
a sound drubbing!
309
00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:48,652
Bring mommy
his ears, baby.
310
00:14:48,653 --> 00:14:50,354
I'll wear them
for a necklace.
311
00:14:51,857 --> 00:14:54,492
Is there a puppy in here?
I thought I heard a whimper.
312
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:56,994
Maybe it's kong
over there.
313
00:14:59,197 --> 00:15:01,599
Look, guys.
314
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:03,367
I may seem a trifle nervous,
315
00:15:03,368 --> 00:15:06,003
But let me tell you why.
316
00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:11,174
You see,
317
00:15:11,175 --> 00:15:14,645
I used to fight...A lot.
318
00:15:14,646 --> 00:15:15,713
I have to admit,
319
00:15:15,714 --> 00:15:17,748
I was pretty handy
with my dukes too,
320
00:15:17,749 --> 00:15:19,517
And I fought for the right,
321
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:24,388
But then, when I was 10...
322
00:15:24,389 --> 00:15:26,991
This guy and I got into it.
323
00:15:26,992 --> 00:15:29,092
We were rockin'.
324
00:15:29,093 --> 00:15:32,563
I had a short fuse back then,
like now.
325
00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:37,334
I thrashed him within an inch
of his 8-year-old life.
326
00:15:37,335 --> 00:15:38,802
Didn't like the feeling.
327
00:15:38,803 --> 00:15:40,137
Right then,
328
00:15:40,138 --> 00:15:44,742
I vowed I would never
use my hands in anger again.
329
00:15:44,743 --> 00:15:47,545
That day, I went home
and hung up my fists for good.
330
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:49,914
Oh, steve,
331
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:52,315
I never knew this.
332
00:15:52,316 --> 00:15:54,985
It's not the kind of thing
I'm proud of, marcie.
333
00:15:54,986 --> 00:15:56,887
Then you must
stand by your vow.
334
00:15:56,888 --> 00:15:59,389
Do not fight
this maniac.
335
00:15:59,390 --> 00:16:02,092
It's just that
I want him so bad!
336
00:16:02,093 --> 00:16:04,562
You're so brave.
337
00:16:04,563 --> 00:16:06,463
No, marcie.
338
00:16:06,464 --> 00:16:09,232
I'm just a man.
339
00:16:09,233 --> 00:16:12,102
Al, can I talk to you
for a second?
340
00:16:19,911 --> 00:16:21,311
Al, I was never
in a fight.
341
00:16:21,312 --> 00:16:22,913
I ran home.
I cried to my mother.
342
00:16:22,914 --> 00:16:24,648
This kid licked me
like a dog.
343
00:16:24,649 --> 00:16:29,286
He hung up my fists.
I was in them at the time.
344
00:16:29,287 --> 00:16:31,254
What am I going to do, al?
I'm scared.
345
00:16:31,255 --> 00:16:32,456
If a second grader
hurt me,
346
00:16:32,457 --> 00:16:34,658
What's a guy from san quentin
going to do to me?
347
00:16:34,659 --> 00:16:36,927
Steve, let me tell
a little story.
348
00:16:36,928 --> 00:16:38,395
Is it about what you did
upstairs?
349
00:16:40,665 --> 00:16:44,702
No. You'll learn about that
soon enough.
350
00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,204
No, this is a story about fear.
351
00:16:47,205 --> 00:16:49,807
See, I know you look at me,
you see my wife and kids,
352
00:16:49,808 --> 00:16:51,141
You say to yourself,
353
00:16:51,142 --> 00:16:54,478
"there's a man
that's not afraid of anything."
354
00:16:54,479 --> 00:16:56,179
It's not true, steve.
355
00:16:56,180 --> 00:16:57,648
I was afraid once.
356
00:16:57,649 --> 00:17:00,183
When I was just a kid,
there was this beast.
357
00:17:00,184 --> 00:17:03,053
It was the scariest thing
you've ever seen.
358
00:17:03,054 --> 00:17:05,355
We both wanted peg,
359
00:17:05,356 --> 00:17:07,658
Which shows that love
is not only blind,
360
00:17:07,659 --> 00:17:09,159
It's stupid.
361
00:17:10,528 --> 00:17:14,164
Every time peg and I went out,
it was there.
362
00:17:14,165 --> 00:17:16,133
Every time I saw it,
I'd run like hell,
363
00:17:16,134 --> 00:17:17,534
But I knew that one day
364
00:17:17,535 --> 00:17:19,837
We'd have to settle this thing
once and for all.
365
00:17:19,838 --> 00:17:22,072
So one day,
I get sick of running.
366
00:17:22,073 --> 00:17:25,075
So one day in the schoolyard,
we went at it.
367
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:26,810
It was long and brutal.
368
00:17:26,811 --> 00:17:31,515
I can't say that I won,
and I can't say that I lost.
369
00:17:35,386 --> 00:17:41,058
Well, I definitely
can't say that I won,
370
00:17:41,059 --> 00:17:42,492
But after that day,
371
00:17:42,493 --> 00:17:44,528
I was never afraid again.
372
00:17:44,529 --> 00:17:46,063
Because I stood up
373
00:17:46,064 --> 00:17:48,565
To the meanest, biggest,
toughest man I'd ever seen.
374
00:17:48,566 --> 00:17:50,333
Steve,
375
00:17:50,334 --> 00:17:52,036
That man was peg's mother.
376
00:17:57,842 --> 00:17:58,876
[whistles]
377
00:17:58,877 --> 00:18:00,878
Yeah,
you can say that again, pal.
378
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:03,747
So, steve, I don't care how long
that guy was in san quentin.
379
00:18:03,748 --> 00:18:06,150
There's no way
he'll be as mean and as tough
380
00:18:06,151 --> 00:18:10,721
As the product
of 150 years of inbreeding.
381
00:18:12,057 --> 00:18:14,357
Well, I don't want
to fight, al.
382
00:18:14,358 --> 00:18:17,627
I got theater tickets
for tomorrow night.
383
00:18:17,628 --> 00:18:19,063
Have you ever
tried to yell "bravo"
384
00:18:19,064 --> 00:18:20,931
With a lip
the size of a basketball?
385
00:18:20,932 --> 00:18:23,967
Okay, well, how about this?
Screw a fair fight.
386
00:18:23,968 --> 00:18:25,102
Here's what you do.
387
00:18:25,103 --> 00:18:26,536
The guy's
gonna knock on the door.
388
00:18:26,537 --> 00:18:27,604
Open the door real quick,
389
00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:29,206
Don't give him
a chance to think,
390
00:18:29,207 --> 00:18:30,741
And sucker-punch him
in the breadbasket.
391
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:33,543
He'll drop like an ox.
392
00:18:33,544 --> 00:18:35,713
That's what I should have done
to peg's mother,
393
00:18:35,714 --> 00:18:38,015
But she horned me first.
394
00:18:42,153 --> 00:18:44,354
Oh, uh,
I don't know, al.
395
00:18:44,355 --> 00:18:46,489
He's here.
396
00:18:46,490 --> 00:18:48,092
I was calling every country
in the world,
397
00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:51,261
You know, to track down
that rock group, guns n' roses,
398
00:18:51,262 --> 00:18:52,696
And I saw this car pull up
399
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:54,765
With an "I heart san quentin"
bumper sticker.
400
00:18:54,766 --> 00:18:56,299
Bud, honey, come on out!
401
00:18:56,300 --> 00:18:58,202
The fight's about to start!
402
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:01,004
Who are we rooting for?
403
00:19:01,005 --> 00:19:02,572
Steve, I just want you to know,
404
00:19:02,573 --> 00:19:04,174
I won't
think any less of you
405
00:19:04,175 --> 00:19:05,442
If you don't answer the door.
406
00:19:05,443 --> 00:19:06,777
[knocks on door]
407
00:19:09,380 --> 00:19:12,149
Breadbasket, steve.
408
00:19:18,289 --> 00:19:19,790
[knocks on door]
409
00:19:23,561 --> 00:19:24,795
[thwack, thud]
410
00:19:28,099 --> 00:19:30,467
Uh-oh.
411
00:19:30,468 --> 00:19:32,002
Well, he's down.
412
00:19:32,003 --> 00:19:33,971
You wanna give me
a hand here, al?
413
00:19:36,641 --> 00:19:37,641
Al: This him?
414
00:19:37,642 --> 00:19:38,809
Steve: Yep.
415
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:57,795
By the way,
416
00:19:57,796 --> 00:20:01,999
His breadbasket isn't quite
where I pictured it.
417
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:03,867
He's got a tough
little forehead, though.
418
00:20:11,876 --> 00:20:14,778
Mr. Williams, are you all right?
419
00:20:14,779 --> 00:20:18,348
Well, I guess I'm going to live.
420
00:20:18,349 --> 00:20:20,417
Would somebody
give me back my wallet now?
421
00:20:30,461 --> 00:20:32,996
I don't know why
I came over here.
422
00:20:32,997 --> 00:20:34,832
I had a feeling
you might be an animal.
423
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:37,201
Not an animal, really.
424
00:20:37,202 --> 00:20:39,803
Just a man
who will fight
425
00:20:39,804 --> 00:20:40,804
To protect the rule
426
00:20:40,805 --> 00:20:42,005
Of one car length
427
00:20:42,006 --> 00:20:44,107
For every 10 miles
per hour of speed.
428
00:20:46,144 --> 00:20:49,012
Well, I guess I should say
what I came over here to say.
429
00:20:49,013 --> 00:20:50,214
I'm sorry I cut you off.
430
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:55,785
I'm sorry you had to see
the ugly side of me,
431
00:20:55,786 --> 00:20:57,921
But when challenge
challenged me,
432
00:20:57,922 --> 00:21:00,757
I challenged
challenge.
433
00:21:00,758 --> 00:21:03,026
Yeah. Right.
434
00:21:05,997 --> 00:21:08,198
By the way,
435
00:21:08,199 --> 00:21:09,566
Why were you in san quentin?
436
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:12,269
I torched a mercedes.
437
00:21:12,270 --> 00:21:15,005
They say I'm almost cured.
438
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:16,539
Hey...
439
00:21:16,540 --> 00:21:19,809
And you've got a nice one.
440
00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:25,349
Well, it's only a car,
441
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:28,986
But the memory of that punch
will last me a lifetime.
442
00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:30,888
Oh, you were
so brave, steve.
443
00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:33,656
[stifled laughter]
444
00:21:33,657 --> 00:21:34,557
Ignore them.
445
00:21:35,826 --> 00:21:38,595
I think you proved your courage
once and for all
446
00:21:38,596 --> 00:21:42,132
By beating up that...Little man.
447
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:44,467
Yeah, just think
what you could do
448
00:21:44,468 --> 00:21:46,970
To a second-grader now.
449
00:21:46,971 --> 00:21:50,440
Let them scoff.
450
00:21:50,441 --> 00:21:54,611
I saw the glimmer of the sweat
as it glistened on your brow,
451
00:21:54,612 --> 00:21:56,079
The bulging of your muscle
452
00:21:56,080 --> 00:21:58,916
As it strained
against your sleeve,
453
00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:00,317
The clenching of your buttocks
454
00:22:00,318 --> 00:22:03,053
As you leapt into the fray.
455
00:22:03,054 --> 00:22:04,988
Take me, big man.
Take me.
456
00:22:10,194 --> 00:22:12,129
By the way, get out.
457
00:22:15,300 --> 00:22:17,334
Kids, you know
what we gotta do.
458
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:44,627
[♪]